Down-regulate to Co-regulate: By Lizzie Badger

Hello dear friend. Thank you for being here. Before we begin, I have a question for you...

Before your client or charge walks into your space, do you ask yourself first, how am I?

Before you answer with the automatic “I’m fine, thanks” response, I mean: how are you, really?

Where is your breath? Are your shoulders somewhere near your ears? Is your jaw tight? Are you rushing because the last appointment ran over? Are you still carrying a difficult conversation from earlier in the day, thinking about the client who has just left, or mentally rehearsing everything you need to do when you get home?

Those things don’t make us bad therapists, practitioners or carers. They make us human. When our work involves supporting another person — particularly through touch, close proximity, conversation or care — it is worth remembering that we bring our own nervous system into the room too.

Another person may be able to register something in our pace, voice, expression, breathing or presence before we have even consciously noticed it ourselves.

Before co-regulation comes self-awareness

Co-regulation is often spoken about in terms of what happens between two people: one person feeling safer, steadier or more settled in the presence of another. That relationship doesn’t only begin when our hands make contact; it begins with how we arrive.

We don’t need to be perfectly calm, nor should we perform calmness while ignoring what is actually happening inside us. However, we do need enough awareness of our own state to recognise when we may need a few moments to settle before asking somebody else to trust us with theirs.

Our bodies are continually responding to the world around us, often outside conscious awareness. At times we may feel energised and alert; at others restless, hurried or on edge. Sometimes we may feel flat, depleted or disconnected. None of these states is a personal failure. We are doing the best we can.

For me, the question for those of us who support, treat or care for other people is not, “Am I calm enough to be a good therapist?” It’s perhaps something kinder and far more useful:

“What do I need, right now, to become more present?”

Meeting our own needs first

For many people in caring professions, whether working across physical, mental or social health, this may feel surprisingly unfamiliar.

We become, or naturally are, very skilled at noticing other people. We listen to changes in their voice. We notice a held breath, a tightened hand, a sudden stillness, a shift in posture or a change in expression. We learn to slow down, check in, ask permission, alter pressure, offer space or simply wait. Yet how often do we offer ourselves that same quality of attention?

If we’ve spent the morning rushing, if we’re overstimulated, hungry, upset, tired or carrying the emotional residue of the person we have just supported, there may be a temptation to push straight through. The next client is waiting. The room needs turning around. There are towels to change, notes to write, messages flashing on a phone. Taking a few minutes to meet our own needs is not taking something away from the person who comes next. It helps us become more available to them. True presence is difficult when part of us is still somewhere else...

What could 5 to 10 minutes before your next client look like?

There doesn’t need to be a complicated protocol. In fact, the most useful preparation may be the one you will genuinely do and plan time for. You might begin by simply noticing your breathing. Not forcing it into a particular pattern, but becoming aware of its pace and allowing yourself a few slower, more comfortable breaths.

Feel your feet on the floor. Notice the support beneath you. Let your shoulders drop. Unclench your jaw. Stretch. Yawn if your body wants to. Drink some water.

Perhaps wash your hands slowly rather than as another task to complete, then spend a minute massaging them with a little cream or oil if appropriate. The hands you are about to use to care for somebody else are part of your body too. They are one of the ways through which we connect with a fellow soul.

This goes deeper still. I believe there is something sacred in the space and awareness between us, and that the intention with which we meet another being really matters. Before using your hands to soothe, support or care for somebody else, I invite you to pause to consider not only how your hands feel, but the intention you wish them to carry.

For me personally, that intention is love. I experience it spiritually too: as opening myself to Divine Grace and allowing my own body, hands and heart to become a conduit for something greater than me. You may understand that through faith, prayer, spirituality, energy, loving intention, or simply the deeply human experience of knowing when somebody is truly present with you. We don’t all need to give it the same name.

What matters here is the invitation to become conscious of the quality of presence we are bringing to another person.

You may find aroma helps you shift from one part of the day into another. You might prefer a familiar piece of peaceful music, a few chimes, a short meditation or visualisation, prayer, silence, or simply standing by an open window for a moment and feeling the air on your face.

You might prepare the treatment space deliberately: soften the lighting, clear unnecessary clutter, adjust the temperature, silence notifications and allow the room itself to become somewhere you can settle as well as somewhere you expect your client to settle.

For one practitioner, incense and music may feel grounding and beautiful. For another they may be distracting or overwhelming. There’s no universal recipe for regulation. The invitation is to notice what genuinely helps your own system feel more settled, present and connected. This may vary from day to day or even between clients. Trust your intuition.

Then perhaps, before opening the door, ask yourself one final question:

“Am I here now?”

From down-regulation to co-regulation

This is where down-regulation becomes more than self-care. When we give ourselves enough time to arrive, we’re better able to notice the person arriving in front of us. We can listen without simultaneously fighting our own hurry. We can notice a change in their breathing or body language without rushing to interpret it, allowing us to respond rather than react. This helps us remain curious, with open awareness.

A client becoming quiet does not automatically mean they are relaxed. A change in expression does not tell us, on its own, exactly what they are feeling. A body becoming still may mean many things. Our role is not to diagnose another person’s nervous system from a collection of signs. It is to notice, to stay present, to ask when appropriate and to make it easy for that person to communicate what they need.

That is the reason our own state matters. The more occupied we are with our own internal noise, the harder it can be to notice the subtle cues being offered by somebody else, or to offer a sense of safety through our own presence, energy and body language.

Somewhere to land

Those of us who care for others can sometimes become accustomed to moving from person to person, need to need, appointment to appointment. We have to. So perhaps we can consider another way to think about the space between them. This isn't empty time to fill, nor merely five or ten minutes to tidy the room and check the next name in the diary. This is a small but sacred threshold — a chance to return to ourselves before we meet somebody else.

We spend so much time learning how to hold space for other people. It's essential we give ourselves somewhere to land first.

It may be a few deeper, nourishing breaths with a hand on our heart. A simple hand massage to a piece of relaxing music. A spray or mist of soothing aromatherapy whilst saying a prayer or blessing. A grounding visualisation with both feet firmly on the floor. It need not be elaborate, nor something we feel obliged to perform... just enough space to notice ourselves first, meet what we need, choose the quality of presence we wish to bring into the moment.

Co-regulation doesn't ask us to become perfectly calm — it asks us to be present enough to fully meet another, maybe vulnerable, human being. A fellow soul deserving of our gentle safety.

Next in our Pro-Touch Awareness Month series

Once we have considered what we ourselves bring into the room, we can begin to look more closely at what another nervous system may be noticing.

Next, Claire Mendelsohn explores Cues for Safety: What Does Your Nervous System Notice? — looking at the many small signals that can help shape a person’s experience of safety, from voice and pace to sound, warmth, environment and predictable touch.

Liz Badger

Founder, Face The World CIC & Pro-Touch Movement